At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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