i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
