Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
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I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
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Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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