Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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