So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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