I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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