he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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