Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
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Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
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