Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
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You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
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I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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