New low: just hacked my moms facebook
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
