He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
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The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
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I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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