I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
