That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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