i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
