Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
