I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
