I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
