You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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