No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
