it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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