Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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