cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
