I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
