when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
