my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
