No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
