Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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