fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
