What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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