I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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