I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Randomize
