my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
