My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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