I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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