I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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