I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
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birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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