I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
