Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
