I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Houston, we have a blender
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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