you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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