he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
