He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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