Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
