They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
