he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
