mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
