hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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