A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
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