You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
