Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
