I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
