i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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