Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
zippers are such a cool invention
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
