god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
