Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
