New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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