Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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