got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
FUCK WHALES
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
