I looked at my own cervix.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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