I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
